Who do England call..JOE WORSLEY!
If you lose at home
to a poor Ireland,
Who ya gonna call?
JOE WORSLEY
If you’re playing Robbo
and those plucky Scots,
Who ya gonna call?
JOE WORSLEY
If you need brute force
and a tough defence,
Who can ya call?
JOE WORSLEY
An indominitable man
made for the Calcutta Cup?
Who ya gonna call?
JOE WORSLEY
He ain’t afraid of no Scots
And thus, after watching his favourite film over the weekend, it suddenly dawned on Martin Johnson that what he and England needed was the irrepressible Joe Worsley. At the age of 32, the Wasps flanker is making his his umpteenth mini-comeback in a career hampered in recent seasons by injury and loss of form. The mark of the man is demonstrated by the way he forced himself into the Lions team last summer, despite missing England’s two summer internationals against Argentina, in what was a winning debut.
If there’s one man you’d want to help you fight spectres (or Scots), it would be Joe Worsley.
We need to stop suppressing Rooney’s roar
We have learnt much about the beautiful game in the last few weeks. Aston Villa play best when they have their backs to the wall, Arsenal players haven’t been drinking their milk and Manchester United are useless without Wayne Rooney. This week Sir Alex Ferguson has told the press that he is unhappy with Rooney for playing on ‘that’ pitch at Wembley for the whole 90 minutes, the United boss even partially blaming his striker for picking up the injury which may see him miss the Champions League game.
‘It is his own enthusiasm that has caused it. His problem is that he can’t say no. I was more disappointed with Wayne. Why didn’t he come off? I can’t believe it.’ These were the words of the United manager at the weekend and I am very worried by what he had to say. The reason I am worried is because these words highlight a growing trend of the English footballing world of trying to groom Wayne and this must stop now.
First of all it was his temperament , then his consistency, then his finishing, then he wasn’t playing in the right position and now his problem is he likes playing football too much! When we all fell in love with Wayne it was because he was an unpretentious, aggressive and passionate child cloaked in a brutes body. He was brash, talented and unpredictable and this is why he is such a brilliant footballer. He is the scruffy kid in the playground with a rip in his trousers and dirt on his collar whose heart sinks when play time is over. It is this person who has brought us such stunning moments over the past few years and it is this person who can guide England to World Cup glory in South Africa.
The more the likes of Ferguson and Fabio Capello try and make him someone he is not they are not only changing him as a person but also as a player. England (and Manchester United) need Rooney to be the unpredictable genius he can be, they need him to be the enthusiastic dreamer who can’t say no, they need him to forget all the politics of friendlies and only playing 55 minutes. Some people do need to change in order to improve both in their professional game and personal lives (that golfer bloke being one of them) but others need to be left well alone and allowed to get on with what it is they do best. So forget the homework Wayne, you just go and play son.
Stan’s definitely not the man
It just goes to show how little Stan Collymore knows about football. During half time of the FA Cup match between Reading and Aston Villa, with the score 2-0 to the hosts, Stan (via Twitter) called for wholesale substitutions: ‘Emile off,Nathan on.Downing off,Delph on,Milner to right.May gamble on Sidwell for Petrov.Very tired performance.’
Thankfully, Martin O’Neill, the Villa manager paid no heed to the former Forest and Liverp0ol striker and made no substitutions at the break. Such a brave decision worked wonders as, in a sublime ten minute burst at the start of the second period, Villa scored three goals that would eventually send them through to their second cup semi-final this year. Stuart Downing, on form in recent weeks, played a significent part in two of the three goals, justifying his manager’s decision to keep him on the pitch. In fact, O’Neill only brought on Steve Sidwell for Downing in injury time at the end of the second half. Tiredness, contrary to Collymore’s opinion, probably didn’t even come into it.
And thus, once again, Stan Collymore, a man who spouts more drivel than your average toddler, proves that his knowledge of football extends only as far as wasting his considerable talent as a player. Unfortunately, his nonsense is deemed broadcastable: Stan’s radio show on talkSport is wittily named ‘Call Collymore’. I can think of a few names for starters…
Spot the difference. Oh wait, it’s impossible
Martin Taylor, an old fashioned centre back, broke the leg of Arsenal striker Eduardo in February 2008 with a mistimed challenge. Taylor, who had also played for Blackburn Rovers and a host of lower league sides, played at the time for unfancied Birmingham City. He was regarded as a solid professional but was not deemed to have an England career. The tackle on the Croatian, which resulted in Taylor’s first red card, caused Arsene Wenger to call him to be banned for life and the player subsequently recieved death threats. He played only one more game that season under Alex McLeish and was transferred to Watford two years later.
Ryan Shawcross is also an old fashioned centre back, similar in style to Martin Taylor. He currently plays for unfasionable side, Stoke City, renowned for their direct style of play, similar in a sense to Birmingham a few years back. In recent seasons, Shawcross has been mooted as a transfer target for several big clubs, including Arsenal and Liverpool. His performances at the heart of defence have led to him to be named the Stoke team captain at the age of just 22 and have caused Fabio Capello to watch him on numeous occasions with a view to picking him for the England squad.
Up until Saturday afternoon, Shawcross had never been red carded and was not regarded as a dirty player. In the second half of a match against Arsenal, he mistimed a tackle, broke the leg of midfielder Aaron Ramsey and was sent off. After the game, manager Wenger condemned the tackle as ‘horrendous’ but did not single out Shawcross for blame and did not mention any ban for life.
The difference between Taylor’s and Shawcross’s tackle? Nothing. The difference between the reactions? Everything. The horrible fact is that Martin Taylor was not an up and coming England centre back, who had honed his skills under the careful eye of the English games finest manager at its premier club. He did not cry as he left the pitch and was not called up for an England friendly just hours after the tackle. His crime was not being Ryan Shawcross.
God, us football folk are a fickle and hypocritical bunch.
The Winter Olympics: a lesson in sport
Athletes of all sports could learn a lot from the Winter Olympics and Vancouver 2010.
Take the drama of the men’s short track speed skating 1000m final, where the new Olympic record holder Sung Si-Bak lost out to to his compatriots Lee Jung-Su and Lee Ho-Suk because he didn’t want it as much as they did. Overwhelmed by their desire, he ended up crashing out after a mistake on the final corner as they took gold and silver respectively.
Take the sportmanship of the British women’s curling team last night, tried and tested after a Danish opponent kicked one her own stones with her right foot and stopped it from sliding out of the scoring zone. Led by young Eve Muirhead, they were happy for play to continue, knowing full well that an arguement was futile.
Take the wild, joyous celebrations of Andrea Fischbacher on Saturday after she had won a women’s Super G final which ebbed and flowed, with those occupying medal positions changed countless times in the final few runs. It was as if her very dream had come true.
Having a special desire to win, maintaining dignity whilst amidst the heat of a major competition and celebrating as if your life depended on it. Three instances that don’t present themselves too often within your weekly dose of football or rugby, where sportsman take it all for granted. The mainsteam sports may lead the way in terms of glamour and money but you just can’t beat that true to itself sense of genuineness that emanates from every athlete at the Winter Olympics.
‘He’s having a Phil Godman’
Pope and Swift, as of today, would like to suggest a new turn of phrase to the existing canon of sporting figures of speech. We propose that ‘Phil Godman’, from this point forth, may be used in the place of ‘nightmare’, ’shocker’ or similar noun. Thus, the phrase ‘having a Phil Godman’ implies that a sportsman is performing truly awfully.
The phrase derives from last Saturday’s rugby union Six Nations match between Scotland and Wales. To provide an element of context, the Scottish fly-half entered the field with his side in the lead and with just seven minutes to play. The pitful Godman’s first involvement in the game was to become involved in a clash of heads, leaving him with a bloodied brow and a Humpty Dumpty-esque white bandage. He then excelled himself by tripping Welsh back Lee Byrne as he raced towards the try line. Godman was immediately sin-binned, leaving Scotland with 13 men and battling to regain a lead that looked a winning one for so long. Wales equalised from the resulting penalty and scored with their final attack. Scotland lost by seven points.
Pope and Swift really do hope that the ‘having a Phil Godman’ finds favour with fan across a range of sports and that it provides a lasting memory of what was a truly horrendous cameo appearance. No thanks necessary Phil.
Terry’s only crime is ‘clubultery’
John Terry has the right to feel hard done by in recent weeks. Despite the fact that demands for ‘Team Bridge’ t-shirts have gone through the roof and he has become the man everyone loves to hate, the Chelsea captain hasn’t actually done a great deal wrong. 
Terry’s only mistake was shacking up with a teammate’s significant other. That may sound callous but football dictates that sexual relations with your personal assistant (Beckham)/ a prostitute (Rooney)/ a single mum (Cole)/ a member of the FA’s secretarial staff (Sven) are permissable, if not ideal.
That no-one has dared doing the dirty with the missus of a teammate does not mean Terry is morally worse than any of those mentioned above; it just means that his relationship with Wayne Bridge’s wife during their time at Chelsea deserves more scrutiny. If anything, JT’s only mistake was having extra-marital sex too close too home, of engaging in ‘clubultery’ when sex with anyone without connections to the Chelsea dressing room would have sufficed.
Betting tales: So near and yet so far
They say the best things in life are free and there cannot be many things better for a young man who enjoys sport, than winning a free bet. There have indeed been many an occasion when we have waxed lyrical about the joys of making money simply from correctly predicting that certain teams will win a couple of games. This betting tale however, does not have a happy ending. The protagonist of this tale of hammer heartache is a bloke we will call ‘Son of John’.
Now, Son of John has been a successful gambler for many a year now but a few weekends ago he came close to pulling off the bet of a lifetime. He took up the challenge of Ladbrokes free bet, the premise being a simple one; five Premiership games, get all the scores right, win £5,000. Now it is tough enough to correctly predict the final score in one game but five is virtually impossible. Son of John is a busy man and did not agonise over his scores for too long. He marked the slip and went on with his day. Come 5pm he thought he would check how he’d done. One correct score would be nice, two definitely worth a grin, three and you’re practically a psychic.
Liverpool 2-0 Bolton? Check. Birmingham 1-1 Tottenham? Check. Fulham 0-2 Aston Villa? Check. Hull City 2-2 Wolves? Check. He’d got four, he only needed one more correct score and he had won five thousand pounds. West Ham 1-0 Blackburn? Nope, 0-0. As if the Hammers need for striking obvious wasn’t obvious before is was painfully obvious now. Their inability to score had cost the boy from Birchwood not only 5k but also lifetime bragging rights in the pub. Son of John had personified the phrase, close but no cigar, he had predicted some outrageous scorelines and fallen short of glory because big Franck Nouble can’t hit a barn door. He was defeated. But like every good, committed sports gambler, when the Saturday morning light comes streaming through his window, he’ll get up and do it again. Amen.
Separated at birth: Lords of the impossible journey
Frodo Baggins’ Owen thought as he sat on the physio’s table for the millionth time. ‘That’s right, I’ll model myself on the Lord of the Rings protagonist. It’s perfect; he searched for the ring in the same way that I’m searching for full fitness. Both are almost impossible quests and yet it Frodo is eventually victorious’.
That’s the reason Manchester United and England midfielder Owen Hargreaves has started to look a bit like a hobbit of late (albeit with the beginnings of a Mexican moustache). He’s even perfected the open eyed, gaze-into-the-distance look that worked so well for Frodo during his quest. Fingers crossed it works just as well on the long and ardous journey he is on back to playing in the Premier League.
Eco-martyr Neville shows PR has gone mad
Last week, Pope and Swift stumbled across a sentence that they never thought they would bear witness to. ‘Footballer Gary Neville has applied to build a flower-shaped eco-friendly house in Greater Manchester’ it read. Cue bemusement. Surely it was some sort of a joke, some sort of premature April Fool’s gag, Rio Ferdinand murking the Manchester United club captain with the latest of his intricate plots.
Apparently not. The more hated Neville brother has genuinely applied to build a four storey family home on the outskirts of Bolton, complete with wind turbine, solar panels and geothermal heating. If it gains planning permission, the home will be the first zero carbon house in North West England.
Stuart Fraser, partner at Make Architects with whom Neville has designed the house, said in a statement that cries ‘Yipee, we being paid enough by Gaz to pay Pompey’s wages on time for a year!’: “The client has been heavily involved in the design process and is passionate about preserving the natural beauty of this area.’
But does he really? Does Neville give two flying tackles about the environment, global warming and the continued rise in the levels of CO2 that threaten to blight our generation and ruin the world of our children? Can you imagine him switching off the light every time when he walks out of the room or chatting to Paul Scholes about his recycling bin overflowing? No, us neither.
The whole eco-martyr persona just doesn’t fit with the Gary Neville that we all know and hate. He’s the man who grows annoying facial hair and spends half of the few games he plays hollering at the refereee, not some hippy caring soul who composts his veg peelings. It may be a prejudiced view of the man but footballers don’t do green issues. They do gas guzzling 4×4’s and unnecessary swearing at former team mates in heated cup games. To expect any more is foolish.
Such is why we must beware. Beware the fact that even the most intolerable of human beings like Neville can be made to seem human when equipped with a Toyota Prius, beware the fact that PR has the power to turn public persona on its head with the drop of a hat. What next, John Terry setting up a orphanage in his own home?